Beauty in the Hard

It's in the hard where we realize how much strength we really have.

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Daughter of the king, wife, mother of three beautiful children, deep feeler, friend and explorer of my mind.
  • Untitled post 118

    I put a lot of pressure on myself thinking that my faith has no room for error.

    I want to represent Christ like he deserves. I want to love Him well, honor Him well and mirror him to non believers. On my good days, there are glimpses of Him through me and I am so thankful for that. But… Can I be honest?

    I have bad days. I have days where sin wraps its dirty hand around me.

    I have days where I judge.

    I have days where I live in anxiety, I speak fear, I dishonor the Lord with the words that I speak or the thoughts I don’t hold captive.

    Satan makes it his ultimate goal to hold me captive. He wants me to live in the blanket of shame I create. He whispers lies that I cannot be used by Christ, that I am broken, sinful, messy and unusable.

    But, even in the blanket of shame, the Lord pulls it back and reminds me that I don’t need to stay there. He brings me comfort, He restores me, He loves me.

    Though I am sure I don’t make it easy on Him, He still can and does use me. Even through my brokenness, He uses me. Even though I am unqualified, through my imperfections and through my inconsistencies, He sees me unlike any other.

    Look in the mirror He reminds me.

    And he says, You may see flawed, I sees potential. You may see brokenness, I see restoration. You may see unqualified, I can qualify the unqualified. You may see a failure from the mess ups over and over and over, But I see someone who gets a little stronger each time He tells me.

    We give ourselves too much credit or completely write ourselves off, however, He is bigger than what we can see, what we can comprehend or what we can justify. He is our creator, and a creator knows His creation from the beginning to the end.

    Trust Him.

  • When success costs too much.

    I recently saw some good friends of ours from earlier in our marriage divorced. Ugh, my heart ached. They were both chasing huge career dreams to be successful in different ways and they both reached those career goals. They both were driven, big dreamers and raising families. My heart aches.
    The world tells us chase your dreams, shoot for the stars, success success success.
    Though I don’t know the circumstances, I do know both of those fields they are in take great sacrifice, great devotion and great commitment. I also know that’s what marriage takes, failing and getting back up over and over.

    Friends this is an inward reminder to me and from me to check yourselves. If you are married, make sure you are devoting the same sacrifice, commitment, and honor to your marriage as what you’re devoting yourself to. I say this humbly, because it’s so easy to put your success into your kids, their achievements, your career, your fitness, your friendships, etc. But I wonder if sometimes we completely neglect the most important things, while reaching for the things that serve us temporarily. The jobs will fade, the bodies will grow old and lose their beauty, the homes will age and they will look out of style, but when we are taking our last breaths, it will be those we love that we will want to be around, those that walked with us through it all.

    As we enter a new year, walk away from things that are hurting your marriage, take a stand, treat your marriage as the ultimate job or the achievement that you so often seek. Treat it as the body that you want to stay fit and strong, have a marriage meeting and talk to your spouse about how you can prioritize your marriage the way that you prioritize so many other things.

    Friend if you are reading this, I hope it doesn’t come off as judgy or mean. I am guilty, in so many ways of putting and doing so many things before my marriage. But I wanted to share my heart because well it feels like if I can write this down and make it a priority even if it just helps me it would be worth it.

    Be blessed my friends

  • Is knowledge really power?

    Is knowledge really power?

    There is a known phrase that knowledge is power. Originally coined by Sir Francis Bacon and later on endorsed and pushed by Thomas Jefferson. Growing up, I was always told that people can take anything from you but they can never take your education. Though I still firmly believe in that, I wonder if knowledge is really why we are set on this earth or if it’s the one thing that gets in the way of who we really are. I have talked to many elderly, and of course you think they have lived much longer on this earth and even at their ending, they realize that none of the knowledge and worldly accolades they received on this earth got them any closer to beating death or figuring it all out. I was talking to a friend the other day who said “Is knowledge really power? I mean are we really supposed to know everything and every happening going on in the world? Are we capable of holding onto and knowing all of that?” It really got me to thinking how right she was. We push and we push and we push so much knowledge and granted we are learning individuals so I know that there is learning to do. However, Sometimes we live our whole lives trying to figure out everything to end on realizing we know nothing. I think this is why Christians have so much peace in knowing that this is not the end. Peace in knowledge of the gospel, knowledge of Gods word and knowledge on our purpose here. What is our purpose? Our purpose, from a Christian standpoint is to know God and to love others. By doing those things all things may fall into place. But knowledge, knowledge of the world divides. It causes strife, heartache, misunderstanding, it causes conflict, disruption and chaos. Knowledge of all the wrong things is the one thing that leads us into a life where we don’t love the Lord with all of our heart soul mind and strength and we don’t love others. It causes us to fight, argue, disagree, and to be divided. The gospel and the purpose of our life is quite simple. However, when I sit here and think of a divided world, I wonder if everyone has it wrong.

    Anyway, just some food for thought. Is knowledge really power? I am not so sure.

  • The gift of human connection & how it feels like were losing it with.

    The gift of human connection & how it feels like were losing it with.

    I was talking to an old friend on the phone last night. I had sent her a text before calling her because I didn’t want to just call, and I definitely didn’t want to send her a text chain. I mean I really would have loved to sit at the table and have a cup of coffee with her, but she lives many states away. She responded that she was tucking in her son and she would call me. It was so wonderful to catch up. It was nice to have some sort of connection with her over the phone and to hear a friendly voice that I hadn’t heard in a really long time. I wondered, what happened to my generation and generations after? When did we stop talking on the phone as often? I find it interesting how such a lonely society who I often share conversations with, talks about how they wish they had friends, and a tribe and all the things but we’ve completely shifted to a texting culture and even that sometimes you don’t get much of a response. I watch my daughters friends text messages come through with one word responses, Hi, good, ok, cool, etc and I think what in the world? It’s so interesting how we were once a world of humans who really needed community, they formed packs, they protected one another, broke bread together, stopped off some fresh eggs or delicious baked good because they wanted to support their friend.

    I find myself more often than not trying to figure out where we went wrong. Our foods have a shelf last much longer than I have ever seen, the choices on the shelves are many and overwhelming, the convenience is easier than ever… You can order pretty much anything straight to your home. Somewhere life shifted and we became exhausted, walking, robots who are always “busy”, always tired, always overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, you name it. Now I deeply speak of this from a humbled state because I find myself very much falling into this pit of survival mode, stressed, dodging community, feeling like a text response is a chore and just lonely as can be. Now maybe you are reading this and thinking, I do not feel this way. But, can I be honest? SO many do. Was motherhood this exhausting before cell phones, tv, internet, and all the distractions we make ourselves busy with? Well, I am sure it’s always been exhausting lol, but I wonder if its mounds more than it ever was. What will be the breaking point for our generations? Who will stand up and speak for sanity and connection? Where is the line drawn?

    Anyway, a little heavy on today’s note but I just found myself in some deep thought and wonder where it all changed. I enjoyed my conversation so much with my friend. Surely my number is in many peoples phones. I sure wish they would pick it up for a quick hello.

    Anyway, I have to bake some cookies for a community gathering tomorrow on the base and I can hardly wait to be a part of something. I find myself constantly searching myself, constantly trying to seek wisdom, see myself from the outside and just not be such a trend follower but someone who is weary of the ever changing.

    I hope your day had a glimpse of beauty.

    Be blessed

    Brittany Hollander

  • Tennessee Mountains, Fire pit roaring and coffee in my hand.

    Tennessee Mountains, Fire pit roaring and coffee in my hand.

    Daily writing prompt
    Do you have a favorite place you have visited? Where is it?
    View all responses

    Yes, we took a two week vacation to the Smoky Mountains. I am from Albuquerque, NM and I always enjoyed being near mountains. I used them as a guide to always know direction. a place to escape to, to enjoy when I needed to smell fresh air and my family just made so many good memories in the mountains. As a grown woman, I find myself escaping when I feel depressed or need to escape to a place of serenity. I always go back to the mountains, a log cabin, the smell of fire burning, the crackling of the logs in the fire pit, the warmth of a mug of coffee in my hands and the aroma of coffee, fire and fresh air mixing together. It’s a place we are considering retiring in. I feel what better way to retire then in a place where I look to for peace and serenity. My husband is in the Air Force and we have lived in a lot of places. Tennessee though, just does something for my soul!

  • The question of connection.

    The question of connection.

    I was listening to a podcast recently & boy did this question just jump out to me. As a person who deeply values connection and really cringes at the thought of small talk, I wrote it down in the notes section of my phone. Coincidentally, I was going to get together with a group of women who I am just starting to get to know and I thought, wow, this is perfect to get to know them. It’s a simple question, but one that makes you go deep and really think. The question is “What do we need to know about you for you to feel known?” Sounds simple, but it really does go deep if you truly think about it. You see we all unintentionally make assumptions and observations when we meet or get to know people. We quickly put together all that we know about this person, see in this person and experience around this person and its how we decide what we are going to think of said person. Often though, I think we are deeply off. As I am getting older, I am becoming more and more aware that I love deep connection. I love to sit there and hear of someones racing thoughts. I enjoy hearing their trials, what they’ve overcome, and how they managed to do it. You can learn a lot about someone by seeing what they’ve overcome, its inspirational and deeply humbling.

    I find it a challenge as we move, to constantly have to restart in meeting friendships, wishing they knew why I am the way I am. Wishing they could see my growth, that they could see what I have struggled with and overcome. I’ve wished that they could see how far God has carried me. If you met me today, in this season, you would not know all the places, all the things i’ve done or all that I overcame. You would just know me in the now. This question “What do we need to know about you for you to feel known?” is such a personal and deep question. What I love about it, it makes you go deeper than the surface. As I asked this question, the conversation sparked deeply and I began to actually learn who these women were and how I could be a friend to them. It also showed me a deeper look into why God brought each of them into my life. Conversations like insecurity, fear of rejection, self love, over thinking, fear of judgment, feeling like they have to be strong, worrying about what others think and so much more. Can you not read each one of those thoughts and identify or relate in some way? Boy, I sat there with so much love and compassion and empathy and relatability with these women. You see, these were my kind of people. Since moving to the south I have struggled with the conception that it’s almost bad manners to look messy. I’m not only talking about on the outside but on the inside too. I had attended small groups in other churches when we first moved here, desperately looking for authenticity and someone willing to represent themselves as someone who had struggles. Where was the woman who was dealing with depression? I knew she had to be in there. Where was the person swallowed up by insecurity, or the person who actually didn’t know much about the bible and wanted to learn? Where was the couple that was having a hard week, or the woman who was needing advice on how to bring reconciliation in a friendship or feeling sadness for how she handled some situation? Where was the real encouragement, the real struggles, the real prayers in the hallway of the church because someone just found out someone was struggled or just heard the bad news?

    Kev and I made our rounds in the churches and desperately seeking what I have had in the past, we started to feel it in a church our children really enjoyed. But as big churches can feel, we were still desperately, well at least I was still wanting some close connections. I had been invited to a small bible study, and as I look back what an answer to prayer that was. My most memorable feeling was thankfulness for being remembered. However, back to the point of this story, this question was the question asked at the table and it made me feel so much closer to these women. I think what I am realizing is not that I am searching for people to have flaws or things wrong, I certainly don’t wish that on anyone. But, I do realize that we live in a fallen world. Therefor, perfectionism, and all the things we so easily put on display for the world to see can hide the fact that we are all sinners and broken and struggling. It’s in the broken and the messiness that the Lord gives us hope to be more like Him. When we are able to recognize that we struggle, it makes an opportunity for someone to speak into our hearts, into our lives and for the Holy Spirit to work in us and through us.

    So the next time you get together in a group of women, let me tell you… break the facade that we all have it together. Of course with the right women, they will show you that were all in this together. That we all have place to grow. We all have an opportunity to connect through our deepest fears and trials. God is so great, that He can use our worst and use it for His best. His redemption, His love, His mercy and His Holyness is magnified through the lies and the ways satan thinks he has us. God, can use anything.

    “What do we need to know about you for you to feel known?”

    SO as you look in the mirror or you isolate and feel like God can’t use your worst, remember that its through the hard stuff that we find redemption. Its through the trials that came resurrection, its through walking together where we can see His hand and its through mercy that we can find healing, forgiveness and lead one another to who He is creating us to be.

    There is so much beauty in the hard. I pray that you aren’t afraid to share your hard. You may just find that God is waiting to use it.

    Be Blessed my Friends

    Brittany

  • The love of a military family.

    The love of a military family.

    My husband is currently deployed. It’s a six month deployment and though we have done this before, it feels harder this time. As life can bring hardships, this year has been heavy. Our family experienced a lot of loss and I have been on such a journey after this last move. It’s felt like like God took me out of my comfort and shook me from my toes, so that everything in my pockets and the dark spaces has emptied. I have found myself feeling depressed, feeling discontentment in where we are and feeling misplaced. Though I know those are schemes straight from the enemy, I cant help but to feel those humanely feelings. The plus side is that feeling depressed, lonely, and misplaced has made me feel closer to Christ. I lean on the verse that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I feel Him, closely. I am trying to find what exactly He is trying to teach me and show me in this season. Surely these feelings of discontent are for the greater good. God has never ever failed me. I am truly living in the prayers that I once prayed. However things like deployments, death and discontentment make you realize how it could be taken away at any moment. I know that God does not call us to live a life of fear and worry, but it’s hard not to fall in those categories. I am so thankful to be married to a man who I feel loves us deeply and does all he does for his family. It’s amazing to compare this journey to others earlier in our marriage. We didn’t have what we have built today. It’s not an outward thing of what we physically have, but what God calls us to have, this togetherness and becoming one. I jokingly say that I feel as if I am 50% when Kevin is gone because he just completes me in so many ways. Honestly though, thats not a joke. Where I fall short he is gifted and where he falls short I can come in. Its amazing how you realize that. I look back on many parts of our marriage and we were not a perfect couple. We had arguments, I may have thrown a purse at him or said hurtful things and I look back and think how thankful I am that we kept going. Boy, how we think we know it all until we look back and realize we knew nothing.

    This time around our kids are 11,7 and 7. They miss their dad, their throwing ball partner, their coach, their math tutor, their playmate and the one who is always there no matter what. Wednesday night Sophias wave of sadness hit, as it does, and she left youth group in tears missing her daddy. How good it is to have someone like Kevin, that you love so much. This past month we were able to put care packages from him and his team. It felt so nice to be able to do something for him. Often we get to attend his holiday parties, bake cookies for airman, in the past host for the holidays and so much more. It was my way of feeling like I was making a difference in his world. It felt so good to be able to do something, even though we are thousands of miles apart.

    I have cried tears over the annoyance of how military life is romanticized. In the romance movies and books of military families, they miss the true heart break, the true struggles, the true sacrifice and the true tears and sadness that we feel. So many have been desensitized to thinking that thats just what military families do and we are “good” at it. Say that out loud, good at being away from the one you love the most? Good at having to Spend Thanksgiving without your loved one who is still alive but in another country. Good at having to make the magic that two people usually make for Christmas time and hoping it still feels magical for your children, or good at lying in your bed wishing you could sleep deeply because the one who protects you is lying next to you. I hate to break it to you, but military life is not as romantic as Hollywood makes it look. Ive seen more divorces, struggles, arguments and sadness then I would like to admit over these 14 years of our life together. So many of our friends just did not make it out together.

    Anyway, this is getting heavy so I would like to end on a good note. Though it is hard, there is still so much to be thankful for and so much beauty. It makes you realize how important your loved one is with distance. Often, I don’t think most civilian couples get to feel that reminder and take each other for granted or maybe they never experience marriage on the level we get to because we’ve only had each other to lean on. I am so thankful for the humbling feeling of a deployment and the constant reminder of how much I need and miss my husband. How much he does for our family and continues to do even in his abcense. As we enter the holidays, I just pray that they feel magical but I also look forward to next years holidays. I look forward to having my partner in crime and look forward to that amazing cup of coffee Christmas morning, glancing at my husband as the kids experience the magic of Christmas. Giving him the look, that we did it.

    I love you Kevin and though it may be hard, you are worth it.

    There is beauty in the hard and I am so thankful for it.

    Be Blessed.

    Brittany

  • I wonder if Satans favorite response is “busy”.

    I wonder if Satans favorite response is “busy”.

    Do you ever find yourself using the excuse that you are just so busy. Sometimes I hear myself use that word and I seriously want to smack myself. I think we as a society often use it too fluidly and wonder why our friends don’t often reach out. We wonder why someone didn’t reach out when they needed help. We wonder why we weren’t invited to the thing we felt so left out from. You know, this is just me speaking from deep thought and wondering how many people I have scared away or made feel like a burden because I was so “busy”. Who did I give that answer to when they were hoping that I had a moment of time in my schedule to visit with them? Who have I told that to who was hoping to make a connection with me but my response made them feel like they were not important enough to find a moment of connection with. Busy…. ugh we really need another word.

    I wish that we (I) would be more willing to be less busy and more present. Present in doing things with my family. Present in spending time with those I love. Present in doing things that I want to do & less trying to people please and do things in hopes of not offending or whatever reason I may have that’s just not necessarily worth my time. We’re a lonely busy culture. Lonely but surrounded by people and our friends list is long. Maybe our texts and our messages are sent often, but are we really making true connections. I think sometimes the exhaustion comes from filling my mind with the world. I just don’t believe that the Lord intended us to know every thing going on everywhere. We have information overload constantly. We are always thinking, always comparing, always trying to keep up. I just wish I had the answer, or answer better than busy. That’s going to be my new goal. Maybe I will find a better answer, maybe I will even keep it real and not use a blanket answer to cover the heaviness and exhaustion I feel in my soul. Maybe just maybe I will find a better answer & be real with what I am facing. Is it busyness, or is it heaviness? Is it busyness, or is it trying to make everyone else around me happy? Am I really busy, or can I spare a few minutes of a deep felt conversation with someone who wants to get to know me. Whatever it is, I hope it’s better than “busy”.


    Matthew 11:28-29: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”

    Friend I pray that you will find the rest that comforts your soul. That you would find the energy to do what God calls upon you and that you would find a new word to represent you as an amazing daughter of Christ. I pray that you find the beauty in the hard.

    Be Blessed,

    Brittany

  • I am who He says I am.

    I am who He says I am.

    I would consider myself a very deep thinker. I feel in words, in smells, thoughts and memories. I can express myself deeply and throughout my life I have wondered if that’s a curse or a blessing. As I am getting older and learning the beauty of who I am and how God created me, I find comfort in being a deep person. The world needs those, just as it needs every other type of person. It can be so easy to discount your strengths because it doesn’t seem as important as the driven, talented, outward accomplished person you so often compare yourself to. We often don’t see what we have to offer the world because we are stuck in trying to be humble and also trying to be honest. I have bad days, like everyone else. Sometimes those bad days feel as if it takes away from my strengths. Maybe the outward happy person is a fraud because she struggles with depression, insecurity, and things that don’t line up with who she wants to be. It’s a weight that feels as if it keeps you weighed down and shackled from where God wants us. But as I sit back and reflect with honesty and sincerity, I realize that God created us in His image. His image is Holiness, righteousness, love, faithfulness, sovereignty, Mercy and compassion. You see all the good in me is actually who the Lord created me to be. The complications and the negatives is because of sin and the messiness of this world. When God looks at me with all of His sovereignty and love, He see’s me as He created me to be. Unique, with purpose, and with the unique characteristics and qualities that He breathed and wove into me. When I sit on that, I am humbled and thankful. Thankful that I do not have to accept the brokenness of my human heart but that I get to hold onto the identity that with Christ, I am good. And though I struggle as most do, I am a loving and deep feeling child of the Almighty. I get to claim the good and give Him the bad. I get to start everyday as a clean slate trying to cleanse my heart of sin with His gracious truth. There is so much comfort in that. We are, who He says we are, who He created us to be. If you need to hear that, I hope it hits deeply, all the way to the pit in your stomach and the deepness in your heart. I hope you can realize that His plan for you is goodness, to know Him and be in relationship with Him, To be more like Him so that when you look in the mirror, you can see what He sees and how He originally designed you.

    I am looking forward to sharing my heart, my troubles, tribulations, thoughts and my feelings. They won’t always feel beautiful and inspiring, oh how I wish they did. But my hope is that when you read my words, whoever you may be that you will not feel alone. That you will feel like a friend is in the thick of it with you and that you will see the beauty in the hard. What I have learned over the years is through any amount of hardship, there has always been some sort of beauty. I heard someone refer to it yesterday as the “messy middle.” The beginning and end can come with feelings of anticipation and relief, but it’s in the messy middle where we realize how much strength we really have. It’s in the messy middle where we see the growth, the changes, the need to ask for help, not seeing what the ending looks like. There is fear there and I often struggle in the messy middle because my control nature wants to know that it will work out. But it’s also in the messy middle where we need to lean on our faith the most.

    There can be beauty in the hard, and I hope my words encourage you to stop and look for it.

    My counselor shared Psalm 91 with me yesterday, and I found it to be so encouraging. Even when I dwell by giving it to God, He covers me, He rescues me, He is there for me. You know what’s incredible, He does the same for you.

    Psalm 91

    1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
        will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
    2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
        my God, in whom I trust.”

    3 Surely he will save you
        from the fowler’s snare
        and from the deadly pestilence.
    4 He will cover you with his feathers,
        and under his wings you will find refuge;
        his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

    Be blessed Friends

    Brittany Hollander